When The Creative Becomes Uncreative. November 2019.

the vibrancy of spring leaves

and summer radiance

fades into longer nights 

when your vision fails you more

what you can’t see

sees right through you

how sweet it felt

how rich it tasted 

to smile with no remorse

where it didn’t feel forced

like a facade you just put on

for the sake of empty bodies

for meaningless company

which dissolved into bitterness

nothing digests the same

your stomach is never sated

especially when the words you ate

come back up, time and time again

your body is hollow now

nothing sits for long

the patience you learned

is sapped from your habits

you’re as irritable

as the rashes your skin forms

from stress

from guilt

from burdens you bear

that you took on that you shouldn’t have

everything changes

you change

but you refuse to acknowledge it

so while you’re trying to catch up

to the fact the world spins

regardless of your readiness

you’re left with decisions to make

what’s it worth

to give up something(s)

or someone

that you were so certain 

was it for you

when all those things and people

have left you to suffer

meanwhile they move on

prospering

flourishing

progressing

staying stagnant was never something

you wanted to be associated with

but after a while

what avenues do you take 

to learn how to unglue yourself

from the perils of your own hell.

- TG3

leaves changing.

sitting in the dark and recollecting all the things that have become the makeup of my life to this point. feels like this is the only time i feel safe. the only times that i feel anything in general. at least.. anything that i don't immediately regret. at what point does life come to being something that i look forward to again. like field trips in elementary school. or recess. but instead, i'm stuck in the recesses of my brain about this situation, that situation; this person, that person. my mom occasionally asks if i think my therapist is right for me, and i tell her yes every time. as of lately, those "yes" replies are spoken with less and less conviction. i look at my forearms with the self-inflicted blade scars on them and think about covering them up with a tattoo or something. but what would that do for me in the long run honestly. i'll still know they're there. anytime i feel like my flaws are being highlighted in any way, shape or form, i find myself googling whether or not i'm suffering from something other than what I was officially diagnosed with last year (bipolar depression/suicidal tendencies). i've contemplated the idea of being narcissistic, a nymphomaniac, having multiple personalities, having a dissociative personality, and some others that I don't even feel like naming at the moment. i think, to a point, i'm still not fully accepting of myself since coming out. there's a lot to unpack with me, as i know it is with just about anybody.. but i feel like it's a level of difference with me. not to sound selfish, but i'm just not sure where the fine lines of balance fall. in this life, i've been told to help others but also help myself. at what point do you draw the line between trying to help someone and doing for yourself? where and when do these nuances slap you in the face and make you see where the balance of it all is? why do i feel like i'm asking questions that nobody really even knows the answers to? again, there's a lot to unpack with me. and i just feel like i'm at a point where i haven't even opened the suitcase. maybe it's because mercury is in retrograde, i'm not sure how to dissect these things. 

my dad, every once in a while, will ask me where i want to be in 5 years. the last time he did, i told him i want to be alive. he didn't really have an answer for it, he just deflected into something else. not to mention he stresses the fact that he wants to see grandkids before he dies. and those sentiments hit harder nowadays bc i found out earlier this year he has cancer. albeit, it's prostate cancer, but cancer nonetheless (since people love to say that it's highly treatable). I still see cancer as cancer, so to my point, it's disheartening that i feel rushed to make something happen now. which may explain how my lack of a love life after all these years of... whatever the fuck i've been doing has been going the way that it has. excluding maybe one or two people, i cannot blame any person that has come into my life for much. i've always felt like because of certain things that happened, i wasn't enough, nor would i be. but if that person didn't cause it, then that's nothing that they should have to shoulder. which is true. i feel i keep referencing a lot of unpacking that has to be done, but it's just as relevant in this part as it was the first time. this is actually really difficult for me to type at the moment, lol. I don't know. I wanna make things better. I wanna make the people in my life better. I wanna make my circumstances better. I wanna make myself better. But perhaps me wanting to do so much is what causes me to do... nothing. 

- TG3