jon’benet

 the more i think about it.. like really think about it.. i don’t think i see myself being a father. i don’t. for a multitude of reasons. first off, i’m black. and this world has proven time and time again that black lives don’t matter like they’ve *recently* started to proclaim that they do. they don’t. and i don’t need to watch the news at all to figure that out or find that out. i hate the idea of bringing a black boy or girl into this world and then they fall victim to the same things that so many other black folks have. regardless of age. i know to a degree it should make me want to protect them more, but it really just shifts to “ no💜” amongst anything else. also, i’ve never really ever fantasized about being one. i wonder what my kids would look like every once in a blue moon, but it never really struck me as a goal. a lot of people have the idea of having a family on their lists of things to do in life. the older i get, the more that just seems.. like not the move for me. and i feel a lot of regret as i type this up, but a lot of self realization has happened this year, especially over the last few months, and in all honesty, being a das just doesn’t feel like it’s in my cards anymore. of course, i can’t say that it’s a definite 100% thing, cause life is weird. but i am just not feeling like fatherhood is a thing for me. i’m still working on dealing w trauma from my parents to begin with... i’m still tryna take care of them and their ailments and everything, and a baby right now just feels like a lot. or for however long i feel like i’m not gonna see 30. idk. 

 - DD3

minnie riperton.

 relationships. love. kids, marriage. all of it feels like foreign concepts to me. things that i feel like i should have full knowledge and awareness of, but yet i feel like i have next to nothing to say about how i feel about these things. nothing at all. i look at people close to me finding people to share time with and sometimes get jealous... but only sometimes. i don’t really feel like i’ll ever know everything i need to know about those things. and the things i know right now are enough to tell me that none of those things feel like they’re my strongest suits. at all. for a long ass time, i’ve had trouble coming to grips with the fact that i have trouble with stepping out of comfort zones. putting myself out there. risking getting hurt for the sake of someone to have next to me for the rest of my life because that’s what we’re taught as kids. as you grow up, you have to do  XYZ in order to become successful, to be well-liked, to have something to your name, to leave a legacy... to be a man. and a lot of times i don’t feel like i really know what that entails. 27 years old, soon to be 28... and still not knowing how to navigate the world and be his own man. or what he feels his own man should be. fitting the mold of what i’m supposed to be. managing to make it to see another year (knocks on wood) without something catastrophic happening. i’m sorry if reading this confuses anyone or makes something feel off putting. a lot of the times, i feel like my thoughts are just ramblings. i don’t know. 

- TG3

bud dwyer.

 it was a tweet i saw a couple days ago that said "niggas said they battling demons and the demons be bisexuality" or somethin' along those lines. whether it was intended as a joke or not, that thought has been stuck in the furthest left part of my brain because, reasons. there are days i'm fully comfortable in who and what i am, and then there's days when i'd rather have that information about me remain strictly my business. 2018 was the year i came out to my parents. 2019 i came out to the world. and now in 2021... life has had a funny way of reminding me that things have been considerably worse i find it terribly ironic of how my relationships w my parents have started to deteriorate the same time their health really starts to. finding myself has certainly placed a permanent wedge between whatever that would be of the relationships that we already do have. looking back, it's only driven me further away from what they wanted me to be and who they expected me to be. and i know that's a set-up for the "you have to live life for you" rebuttal, which i do know and am aware of. but it's all just life's way to reminding me, like the tweet said, that it's felt like a demon that i've been battling since i ever opened my mouth to tell the world my business. the emotional roller coasters it's put me on since, which has affected a handful of the friendships/relationships i've had (or thought i did), directly and indirectly, is a lot for me to digest all at once. my new therapist and i definitely dove into that subject at length, and with where i am rn, it feels like that's always gonna be something i'm battling with. and honestly, this feels like all i ever blog about nowadays. and in retrospect, that should tell you something about how much something like "coming out" feels like the biggest crap shoot you can make in life. some can do so at young ages, some you don't know they were until they pass on. i always figured that would be something i'd keep to myself until later on in life when i felt at peace enough to say so. and to be honest, the moment in time when i did come out, there was little peace present. every day i feel the need to apologize to everyone who considers themselves to hold a place in my life because they're either concerned for me and i don't have the will or desire to elaborate about the strife i've felt these few years from that. broken clocks are right twice a day; broken records don't last two seconds. and i've reached the point where i've felt as such. it's not a suicide note, by any means. but please don't take it to heart if ever or whenever i don't have much to say. or anything to say. guess i'm just battling the demons.

"this will hurt someone"

- DD3