at this point, life feels like an entire joke and everyone is in on the joke except for me. not sure what it is, but the entire concept of existing as of late has felt like it's way too much for me. moving on from someone has never been a strong suit for me. at least, not in a timely fashion that I feel is timely. i hate being stuck on someone and then in the end of it all, everything reveals itself to be the very last thing you wanted it to be. but I think the facet of life is exactly that: never assume or feel too comfortable about anything because it can be taken away from you in the same instant you start to feel like it won't be. never put your all into something because the minute you do, it's snatched from your grasp. i just know my jealousy will get the best of me. imposter syndrome is truly a motherfucker. there's so much i wanna do and accomplish.. yet i always feel like i'm gonna be more lucky than talented. who knows.. i know i'll always feel like someone won't love me for me. or like there's an ulterior motive to it. there's something behind it. not because they want to.. but they want to have something i possess. nothing material.. but soul-related. intangible. something that i don't let anyone see. if i let them in close enough.. but i digress. honestly, I never felt like I had a good grasp on life. on my future. on things and people that I've surrounded myself with. and in the same breath that someone else uses to convince me that I'm worth good things in this lifetime, the same breath I use to convince myself otherwise. because when you're used to trauma and destruction, that's what you find solace in. that's what you associate yourself with because it's what you know. it's what holds you at night when you can't sleep or when you're wide awake and just are buying time doing nonsensical things until you can finally fall asleep. and right now, I'm the biggest insomniac on earth. needing to be held until I can fall asleep. but the problem is figuring out if I want to sleep. what'll happen while my eyes are closed? will the woman that I have my eyes on veer elsewhere? will my goals and aspirations dry up and wither into nothing like my own viewpoint of my future? at this point, life feels like an entire joke and everyone is in on the joke except me. or rather.. i recognize the joke. i just don't find it funny.
- TG3
