My Heart.

2018 has been a year. Quite a year. And a lot of people only know the broad strokes. Which is crazy. I'm venting on a blog I've pretty much abandoned this year. Hardly any of my friends live in the same area as me, or the ones I've tried to hold onto for the longest I've slowly but surely felt myself drift far away from for the sake of my own sanity. But there's irony in that statement: I don't think i've had a grasp on my sanity since I was a teenager. I still struggle with feeling like there's not much for me on this planet. I still struggle with maintaining a firm view of the reality of things around me. I still struggle with withholding my suicidal urges. There's a big difference with that last sentence though. For many years... I've been suffering in silence. Keeping everything in and not acknowledging the fact that I have a problem. Then it got to the point where within the last year or two, i've been crying out for help. Subtly and directly. But over the past handful of months this year, i've felt... numb. Like i'm living in this grey area of knowing what the issue is yet feeling like i'm stuck in a remedial cycle of the same shit day in and day out. I'm not entirely sure what this life holds for me. If it's holding anything for me at all, at that. There were so many things I wanted to do: be a beacon of light for those who don't know how to voice their demons; write the best goddamn novels on this side of the Western hemisphere; be a role model to young black boys; make my parents proud without feeling like the person i've become over the years isn't a burden or a disappointment to them... so on and so forth. Yet i feel like none of those things i made come to fruition. I was hospitalized in April of this year after trying to kill myself for the 3rd time. And yet it feels like i've yet to learn my lesson. What lesson? That i'm supposed to still be here, i guess. I'm not sure. But if you've taken the time to actually read all this, then thanks for at least trying to pay attention throughout my scattered thoughts and heavy-hearted emotions. I may not feel like I matter much, but you guys do. Anybody that's reading this (and anyone that gives a solitary fuck about me), you matter greatly. And i wish I could be of more help to those who feel like they don't matter, but I'm only one man and there's only so much I can do. Yet I always wanted to be a superhero. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to save people from their struggles and their shortcomings and make them see the other side of the world that they couldn't see for so long.

But idk.


- TG3

Friday Morning. August 2018.

The mass media laughs at black drama

The vultures make profit off black culture

As my mind ponders

As my thoughts wander

I wonder

Is it fate I’m blessed with this curse?

That I’m statistically gonna end up young in a hearse?

On this day, I see 25 in 28

A daze I find myself in

Only leading to more questions

Will I ever become a success?

Will I ever witness my wife in that white dress?

Will I find my purpose in life amidst constant duress?

Will I find myself blessed…

Or succumb to the stress?

I can never gauge the daily 24

Is it God or death knocking on the door

Whether I answer or not

It moves along the plot

To this soap opera of mine

Merely living to die

- TG3

Cloak. September 2015.

The clouds in the sky darken their moods

The sun bids us farewell

As small droplets of rain began to fall,

I wonder

Is this God changing his wardrobe?

Pulling the hood over his head

To keep us from seeing the tears

That fall from his face?

- TG3

how many times are you gonna re-do this?

As many times as I see fit.

For the last 2 years.. my inspiration for my writing has dwindled considerably. My idle time has been spent doing things I probably either shouldn't, or in the right state of mind, wouldn't. Needless to say, this is my craft, and my reason for still being here on this earth. For as long (or as little time) as that may be, this is why i'm here. This is my reasoning. This is my calling.

So it's about time I answer the damn phone.



- TG3