My Heart.

2018 has been a year. Quite a year. And a lot of people only know the broad strokes. Which is crazy. I'm venting on a blog I've pretty much abandoned this year. Hardly any of my friends live in the same area as me, or the ones I've tried to hold onto for the longest I've slowly but surely felt myself drift far away from for the sake of my own sanity. But there's irony in that statement: I don't think i've had a grasp on my sanity since I was a teenager. I still struggle with feeling like there's not much for me on this planet. I still struggle with maintaining a firm view of the reality of things around me. I still struggle with withholding my suicidal urges. There's a big difference with that last sentence though. For many years... I've been suffering in silence. Keeping everything in and not acknowledging the fact that I have a problem. Then it got to the point where within the last year or two, i've been crying out for help. Subtly and directly. But over the past handful of months this year, i've felt... numb. Like i'm living in this grey area of knowing what the issue is yet feeling like i'm stuck in a remedial cycle of the same shit day in and day out. I'm not entirely sure what this life holds for me. If it's holding anything for me at all, at that. There were so many things I wanted to do: be a beacon of light for those who don't know how to voice their demons; write the best goddamn novels on this side of the Western hemisphere; be a role model to young black boys; make my parents proud without feeling like the person i've become over the years isn't a burden or a disappointment to them... so on and so forth. Yet i feel like none of those things i made come to fruition. I was hospitalized in April of this year after trying to kill myself for the 3rd time. And yet it feels like i've yet to learn my lesson. What lesson? That i'm supposed to still be here, i guess. I'm not sure. But if you've taken the time to actually read all this, then thanks for at least trying to pay attention throughout my scattered thoughts and heavy-hearted emotions. I may not feel like I matter much, but you guys do. Anybody that's reading this (and anyone that gives a solitary fuck about me), you matter greatly. And i wish I could be of more help to those who feel like they don't matter, but I'm only one man and there's only so much I can do. Yet I always wanted to be a superhero. I wanted to save the world. I wanted to save people from their struggles and their shortcomings and make them see the other side of the world that they couldn't see for so long.

But idk.


- TG3