bastard.

i feel like there’s a lot for me to say. and yet my waning inspiration seems to prohibit a lot of words from coming out when i want them to. tyler the creator dropped his album and the two songs that hit my spirit the most are “massa” and “wilshire”. both songs in some way make me really give an introspective look on how my sexuality itself has manifested over the years, most specifically the last two. when tyler himself said on “massa”:

“ We ain’t gotta pay attention to the stuff that he battles

Everyone I ever loved had to be loved in the shadows”

that in itself made me feel a way because while i have been able to love people out loud and in public, i never felt like i could openly express who and what i love because of various conflicting feelings as i grew older. or got older, which is important for me to say because getting and growing older are very much different. one thing i have learned is that to deal with traumatic events from your childhood, you have to take care of your inner child.. let them know that whatever happened to them wasnt their fault, and that they deserve the love they didn’t receive. but that’s exactly where i am now: trying to cater to my inner child, but not having a single clue how to do so. stunted growth that has transitioned into my young adulthood and has shown itself to be a detriment to my day to day because of that lack of knowledge. my inner child is definitely still here, but i haven’t found the right words to tell him. i haven’t manufactured a plan to make sure he knows that he didn’t receive the flowers he should’ve. that the times when he cried for no reason were valid and that he wasn’t weak because of it. the times when he didn’t feel like if he didn’t abide by his father’s wishes and date girls more often or meet his father’s standards for who he would turn out to be, is solely contingent on his dad’s ideals and not Trey’s. Young Trey is still there, and he’s still crying. and the adult me is trying to console him with eyes full of water himself. time will tell if they both figure this out. 

“underneath the tongue, where flesh is weak, and the nerves runs deep; when enough force is exhibited, there’s no escape” - Mick Foley

- DD3

marvin gaye.

 admitting that you need help usually is the first step to doing so. and it’s something that i’ve had so much of a tug-of-war with for basically the entirety of my existence. i’ve always felt weak for having to do so, and over the course of the past few months i’ve had no choice but to resort to doing so. and in that stead, i’ve felt like less and less of my own person and more of a vessel spiraling into insanity. i fully understand that life is sumn that you make of it yourself, it’s just felt like more and more of the things i’ve been using and doin to try and make life better for myself have been taken away. and idk how much longer i can take just living day to day off of purely survival. because there’s so many of us that move on a daily basis strictly off of survival... the things that they felt they had to do in order to, indeed, survive. learning to be more cognitive of my decisions and working better towards trying to be a more structured human being rather than being as impulsive as i’ve tended to be. trying to acclimate myself to how i’m adjusting as a person has been difficult, also. coming into my own still, and acknowledging the life choices that i’ve made as far as what and who i want in life, is still a day to day thing. at some point, it’s gonna be me just taking what i want out of life before life itself takes me out. or i do. either way, i’ve come to terms w feeling like certain things in life that i thought were for me.. ain’t. kids, relationships, etc... maybe it’s because since the pandemic, i’ve done more isolation than anything. more time to think, more time to analyze and realize what i’m supposed to take from this time on earth. this isn’t me saying i’m close to giving up and whatnot but.. yeah. 

- DD3

p*r*i*d*e

 june 1st. the beginning of pride month. and on a grander scale, 30 days of bs from multiple media outlets portraying their support for the lgbtq+ community and then when July gets here, going back to their regularly scheduled programming. this of course is a bothersome thing to see, but at the end of the day it doesn't surprise me because the performative nature of not only the companies but people wanting to show themselves as "allies" just because of the month itself. if i'm being honest, being open about my sexuality has been one of the most polarizing things i could've done in life. and as much as i've said it before, it hits my spirit the same way now that it did the first time i actually said something out loud. within the first few weeks of doing so, i thought that things would get better for me, both for myself and regarding my relationships with the people around me. yet nearly 2 years later and it feels like a mistake. sure, people reassure me that it wasn't and that i should be proud of being open and that also it's a bold thing for me to do, but it shouldn't have to be, if you think about it. it shouldn't take years and years of questioning your worth and your existence and the very reasoning for you being here (if you should be here) for someone to feel at comfort to disclose that information. but this is the world we live in, and at this point, this world is becoming less and less of a priority for me. livelihood, wanting to see where life takes me, the whole concept of my future, etc. i won't say this isn't on a slightly suicidal train of thought, but i also won't say that i'm not gonna write this and then off myself. it's just the gradual build up of frustration, sadness and trying to stay sane when feeling like i've already lost said sanity. fakin' it til i make it has felt like all i've done for over a decade tbh. and i'm supposed to turn 28 in a little less than 3 months. time will tell everything at this point, but here we are. 

whatever you take away from reading my blog, it doesn't really matter what your perception of me is afterward. this is as vulnerable as i feel i can get without going literally insane, because the plethora of thoughts and urges and whatever else comes to mind feels a bit much even for my own personal internet haven. and truthfully, i feel like i repeat myself a lot here.. and i don't mean to be. but if you do read this, and genuinely care about my well being , just know i love you. regardless of what may or may not happen to me. 

- DD3