june 1st. the beginning of pride month. and on a grander scale, 30 days of bs from multiple media outlets portraying their support for the lgbtq+ community and then when July gets here, going back to their regularly scheduled programming. this of course is a bothersome thing to see, but at the end of the day it doesn't surprise me because the performative nature of not only the companies but people wanting to show themselves as "allies" just because of the month itself. if i'm being honest, being open about my sexuality has been one of the most polarizing things i could've done in life. and as much as i've said it before, it hits my spirit the same way now that it did the first time i actually said something out loud. within the first few weeks of doing so, i thought that things would get better for me, both for myself and regarding my relationships with the people around me. yet nearly 2 years later and it feels like a mistake. sure, people reassure me that it wasn't and that i should be proud of being open and that also it's a bold thing for me to do, but it shouldn't have to be, if you think about it. it shouldn't take years and years of questioning your worth and your existence and the very reasoning for you being here (if you should be here) for someone to feel at comfort to disclose that information. but this is the world we live in, and at this point, this world is becoming less and less of a priority for me. livelihood, wanting to see where life takes me, the whole concept of my future, etc. i won't say this isn't on a slightly suicidal train of thought, but i also won't say that i'm not gonna write this and then off myself. it's just the gradual build up of frustration, sadness and trying to stay sane when feeling like i've already lost said sanity. fakin' it til i make it has felt like all i've done for over a decade tbh. and i'm supposed to turn 28 in a little less than 3 months. time will tell everything at this point, but here we are.
whatever you take away from reading my blog, it doesn't really matter what your perception of me is afterward. this is as vulnerable as i feel i can get without going literally insane, because the plethora of thoughts and urges and whatever else comes to mind feels a bit much even for my own personal internet haven. and truthfully, i feel like i repeat myself a lot here.. and i don't mean to be. but if you do read this, and genuinely care about my well being , just know i love you. regardless of what may or may not happen to me.
- DD3
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