marvin gaye.

 admitting that you need help usually is the first step to doing so. and it’s something that i’ve had so much of a tug-of-war with for basically the entirety of my existence. i’ve always felt weak for having to do so, and over the course of the past few months i’ve had no choice but to resort to doing so. and in that stead, i’ve felt like less and less of my own person and more of a vessel spiraling into insanity. i fully understand that life is sumn that you make of it yourself, it’s just felt like more and more of the things i’ve been using and doin to try and make life better for myself have been taken away. and idk how much longer i can take just living day to day off of purely survival. because there’s so many of us that move on a daily basis strictly off of survival... the things that they felt they had to do in order to, indeed, survive. learning to be more cognitive of my decisions and working better towards trying to be a more structured human being rather than being as impulsive as i’ve tended to be. trying to acclimate myself to how i’m adjusting as a person has been difficult, also. coming into my own still, and acknowledging the life choices that i’ve made as far as what and who i want in life, is still a day to day thing. at some point, it’s gonna be me just taking what i want out of life before life itself takes me out. or i do. either way, i’ve come to terms w feeling like certain things in life that i thought were for me.. ain’t. kids, relationships, etc... maybe it’s because since the pandemic, i’ve done more isolation than anything. more time to think, more time to analyze and realize what i’m supposed to take from this time on earth. this isn’t me saying i’m close to giving up and whatnot but.. yeah. 

- DD3