y.

 everybody has a why. why they do things. why they want success. why they want to be the best in their field. etc etc… and it’s safe to say i’ve lost mine. how long ago, i’m not sure. 

i’m not sure. at all. 

they say whenever you’re finally at peace w death, you just calm it out until you do the deed. and i feel i’m approaching that aspect. being so fed up w life, strung out, worn down… whatever you wanna call it. all these internal and mental fits ive had… maybe it’s just a precursor to me ending up finding that final peace. 

things to wait and see. 

- DD3

from the notes.

 

idk how much longer i’ll be alive after i write this out. idk if i’m at my wits end or if i’m just trying to convince myself that i’ll make it to see whatever else in this life is worth seeing. because honestly there isn’t much here for me. i don’t feel there’s much here for me. whatsoever. the pleasantries in life i thought i knew are long gone. and i think over time whenever i would always tell myself i’ll live to x amount of years, it was just me trying to talk myself out of k*lling myself. but low and behold, here we are, barely a week after turning 28 and im back at square one. im not fit for this and im not worth the trouble. nobody will ever love somebody unconditionally. parents included. if you don’t fit their standards then you aren’t fit, period. and i’ve lived the last few years of my life as such. just doing what i want however i want to because this life is meaningless at the end of the day. there’s nobody that’s gonna make me feel like i can’t take my life. and there isn’t anything i can do in this world that makes me feel like there’s something to look forward to. all happiness fades at some point, smiles turn to frowns, eagerness becomes pessimism, and expectations become stonewall rejections. everything changes. life is so malleable, so it’s like well Trey why don’t you change the way your life is going.. 

el. oh. el. maybe it’ll just get better once i’m not here. we’ll see. 

- DD3

Seasons. September 2021.

 the scarcities of affection

a plague of the human senses

when even the slightest touch

sends my nerves into a frenzy

what i need vs. what i receive

two sides of a spectrum

i never want to be polar opposites

but it's cold inside

my heart feels frigid

like if you removed it from my chest

it would emit an aura like dry ice

the problem is the handlers of said heart

seem like it's not a priority

to handle something so delicate

so volatile

as they have..

as they do...

as i've allowed them to

after so long, when the sun is at its highest

the heat reminds you of something you forgot

a saying about when you can't take the heat

remove yourself from the kitchen

sometimes, the sun will be the best metaphor

to remind you, specifically, in this case

that sometimes the heat in the kitchen

is the most bearable kind you may be able to handle

when you're not used to anything hotter

- DD3