phyllis hyman.

 feeling important to someone is a sensation every human wants whether we admit it or not. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be desired and wanting to be appreciated for the person that we are and are working towards becoming and manifesting for ourselves. so when suicide becomes such a subject, it can stem from a plethora of things... but truly killing yourself is one of the most courageous things anyone can do. coming from the son of parents who chastised him for attempting to do so, i’ll never make anyone feel bad or lesser than for attempting to handle that themselves. i have scars on my forearms from younger years from self harm that remind me of certain points in time when i was in the midst of contemplating such. which goes back to my first point of feeling important. suicide and the tendencies of such are so linear... there’s not always tell tale signs that someone is suicidal or even going through the motions of having the thoughts. i could be in the middle of planning my own demise and no one would really know. i go about my days with a pure smile. a painful one. the kind that comes natural but still feels like the skin on my face is being tugged at to echo the kind of toothy sneer that would put The Joker to shame. if you’ve ever read about The 27 Club, it’s something that’s stuck itself in the back of my brain since i found out about it in college: a group of musicians and celebrities who all died at that age. Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Fat Pat, Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse.. safe to say i prematurely predicted i’d meet the same fate. and seeing as how i have a little more than 4 months left to be 27, who’s to say. for the majority of my life, i’ve never felt THAT important. and coming out to parents that don’t wholeheartedly accept it (if at all) doesn’t help with that. even before that... i treated myself like an option because i’ve seen life as just that: optional. you choose whether or not you want me around. the duality and the pain of free will. but alas.. i’m saying all this to say check on your friends, loved ones, whomever. help people feel important. make yourself feel important. cherish your relationships. love someone. the futility of life is precious and its an iridescent aspect of waking up on a daily basis to see the face of someone who cares about you. even if its one person... even if the face isn’t in person. do yourself that favor. 

“how many drugs did you do ‘fore you realized you numbing ya flaws?” - Guapdad 4000

“do you think you’re better off alone?” - Alice DJ

- DD3

truth be told.

 i'm tired of black people becoming hashtags. i'm more so tired of black people protesting/rioting and nonblacks/whites showing off performative allyship and concern for what we goin through for a week or two and then goin back to their regular lives unaffected and uninterrupted while the affected folks have to continue to grieve and be subject to violence/trauma on a daily basis. i try and speak my pieces and show my support for the families of slain black people any way i can and know how, but to see how little progress (if any) has been made over the years since Mike Brown and Ferguson, Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner... the list goes on and on. I'm just beyond tired. i don't even ask "when does it end?" anymore, cause in a world where someone dying can be visibly recorded on camera and the killer still gets off with a slap on the wrist and they try to compensate the suffering family with money.. what more do i need to see to lose hope in the fact that progress won't ever be made. 

also: it's 2021. if you not black and don't understand the concepts of racism and police brutality, then if you CARE enough, you'd do your research and learn these things on your own. don't use what's happening as an opportunity to burden your black friends about these things especially whenever you can tell that it's a draining subject to them. and save the repetitive rhetoric about having black friends and whatever about why you continue to be a dumb ass on these issues. if you wanted to do better, you would. so if you don't, then you are indeed part of the problem.

- DD3

alanis morrissette.

i had a nice cliché thing to say at first but i forgot as soon as i started typing. story of my life, really. truth of the matter is that my insecurities have been starting to get loud as fuck lately. even with the more solid and loving circle of people i have around me now, it seems like i feel... worse? perhaps it’s because i’m 4 months removed from turning 28, and a lot of times throughout the day i question if i’ll make it to then. not even solely from a suicidal standpoint, what if life just decides to happen and something happens to me which is out of my control? but what ifs are just that: what IF. nothing concrete about it, but the mind is such a powerful thing, for both good and bad reasons. getting back into therapy has been more of a hassle than it should. getting my emotions into some kind of order so that way i can feel like something. like somebody. like i have a purpose that’s to do more than just constantly do for someone else and not neglect what i need. but the constant neglect is what led me to becoming such a recluse. i don’t like asking to help... i DETEST asking for help. which lands me into more predicament last than i’d like to name. but it’s safe to say being a victim of sexual assault at a young age, it rearranged a lot for me in life. and now at 27, it’s come to the point where i stopped allowing myself to feel joy. even if i did, it was riddled in some kind of forced traumatic response. and honestly, i feel like i’ve been living off survival tactics more than anything else: no method, no plan, nothing. my temperament seems so bothersome, and i have no clue or idea of all what triggers me... things i’m still trying to figure out. i’m angry, i’m confused, i’m sad, i’m bewildered, i’m lost... but somehow i’m still here on a day to day basis. because i feel like my future is such a weird thing to think about. forever seems like a lie in a lot of senses, but whatever i live to see, counts as such. attaining peace has been troublesome, and i feel like i’m gonna lash out. soon. something has to give... and as i remember what i wanted to say at the beginning of all this drivel: it's ironic that my main love language is words of affirmation, but yet i hardly ever grant myself the privilege of loving myself like i share with everyone else. something's gonna happen, i feel it. not entirely sure if it's gonna be good or bad either. we'll see.

"who got the feelin'; tell me why i cry when i feel it... tell me why" - brockhampton

- DD3