alanis morrissette.

i had a nice cliché thing to say at first but i forgot as soon as i started typing. story of my life, really. truth of the matter is that my insecurities have been starting to get loud as fuck lately. even with the more solid and loving circle of people i have around me now, it seems like i feel... worse? perhaps it’s because i’m 4 months removed from turning 28, and a lot of times throughout the day i question if i’ll make it to then. not even solely from a suicidal standpoint, what if life just decides to happen and something happens to me which is out of my control? but what ifs are just that: what IF. nothing concrete about it, but the mind is such a powerful thing, for both good and bad reasons. getting back into therapy has been more of a hassle than it should. getting my emotions into some kind of order so that way i can feel like something. like somebody. like i have a purpose that’s to do more than just constantly do for someone else and not neglect what i need. but the constant neglect is what led me to becoming such a recluse. i don’t like asking to help... i DETEST asking for help. which lands me into more predicament last than i’d like to name. but it’s safe to say being a victim of sexual assault at a young age, it rearranged a lot for me in life. and now at 27, it’s come to the point where i stopped allowing myself to feel joy. even if i did, it was riddled in some kind of forced traumatic response. and honestly, i feel like i’ve been living off survival tactics more than anything else: no method, no plan, nothing. my temperament seems so bothersome, and i have no clue or idea of all what triggers me... things i’m still trying to figure out. i’m angry, i’m confused, i’m sad, i’m bewildered, i’m lost... but somehow i’m still here on a day to day basis. because i feel like my future is such a weird thing to think about. forever seems like a lie in a lot of senses, but whatever i live to see, counts as such. attaining peace has been troublesome, and i feel like i’m gonna lash out. soon. something has to give... and as i remember what i wanted to say at the beginning of all this drivel: it's ironic that my main love language is words of affirmation, but yet i hardly ever grant myself the privilege of loving myself like i share with everyone else. something's gonna happen, i feel it. not entirely sure if it's gonna be good or bad either. we'll see.

"who got the feelin'; tell me why i cry when i feel it... tell me why" - brockhampton

- DD3