a day of unrest
my thoughts can't keep still
my body can't seem to move
static, stagnant
my bed is a magnet
how stuck can one person be
attached to the feelings of yesterday
lost in the sorrows of yesteryear
how do you let go?
how does contentment feel?
I've never known such bliss.
a blade has never known my wrist
not since I was 21
but when voices start to get louder
and my logic hides in the closet
ironic how on a Sunday
my demons come out to play
- TG3
Sunday, June 28, 2020
cause there's nowhere else to go.
safe to say that this year has been... a lot. coming to terms with your own mortality on a daily basis is a liberating thing. in about the most morbid way possible. I've lived with depression since I was about 15, or at least that's how long I've come to acknowledge the fact that I have. and being 2 months away from year 27, I'm not sure if I've had such an emotionally stressful year as I have in this 2020. I've been back and forth with my "therapist", and trust me, he deserves those quotation marks. how in the fuck am I, a young black man, gonna be able to relay my struggles with being black to an older white man. it's cause it's impossible, and I refuse to put my trust (and money) into that. i don't think people understand how annoying, disappointing, and disheartening it can be to find a suitable therapist. which is why the guilt I feel from venting to people can feel insurmountable at times. with every piece of fuck shit going on in this world, what person would set aside their own issues to cater to someone else? to listen to me? why?
this entire year has been a dumpster fire, but over the past month or so, I've been in such a horrible place honestly. and a lot of people in my life (or in the proximity of it) have been showing their asses with everything going on: good and bad. however, the biggest setback of my year was the fact that I had my first suicidal ideation/episode in almost a year recently. i worked so hard to get where I was mentally, and then I fucked all that up. my mental is definitely in the basement. nothing around me makes sense: all the relationships I have with anybody feels like it's coming to an end, whether that person is clear about where we stand or not; there's the one girl I honestly never can see my life going on without, and it feels like even that is reaching its end.. as if I went from the apple of her eye to another rotten core; don't think my parents will ever see or accept me as bisexual, no matter how much they say they love me; life feels like it's that one disc for your PS2 that just won't ever play regardless of how much you clean and wipe it. there's already too many scratches on it. I'm also tired of older people assuming that because I'm not saying anything that there's something wrong at that point in time. i wish being silent in the company of others wasn't seen as such a negative thing. but there's so many things that are indeed on my mind that I never can feel I can share directly with plenty people. i worry about all the black LGBT+ people that, even during Pride Month, have faced disrespect, violence, and have been murdered solely based on their identity/sexuality. I worry about the fact that Breonna Taylor won't ever receive justice. I worry about bringing a black child into this world and not knowing how to prepare them for the bullshit they'll have to face, even at a young innocent age. I worry about the fact that I may not live to see myself have kids. be in love. be happy. any of that. so here we are.
- TG3
this entire year has been a dumpster fire, but over the past month or so, I've been in such a horrible place honestly. and a lot of people in my life (or in the proximity of it) have been showing their asses with everything going on: good and bad. however, the biggest setback of my year was the fact that I had my first suicidal ideation/episode in almost a year recently. i worked so hard to get where I was mentally, and then I fucked all that up. my mental is definitely in the basement. nothing around me makes sense: all the relationships I have with anybody feels like it's coming to an end, whether that person is clear about where we stand or not; there's the one girl I honestly never can see my life going on without, and it feels like even that is reaching its end.. as if I went from the apple of her eye to another rotten core; don't think my parents will ever see or accept me as bisexual, no matter how much they say they love me; life feels like it's that one disc for your PS2 that just won't ever play regardless of how much you clean and wipe it. there's already too many scratches on it. I'm also tired of older people assuming that because I'm not saying anything that there's something wrong at that point in time. i wish being silent in the company of others wasn't seen as such a negative thing. but there's so many things that are indeed on my mind that I never can feel I can share directly with plenty people. i worry about all the black LGBT+ people that, even during Pride Month, have faced disrespect, violence, and have been murdered solely based on their identity/sexuality. I worry about the fact that Breonna Taylor won't ever receive justice. I worry about bringing a black child into this world and not knowing how to prepare them for the bullshit they'll have to face, even at a young innocent age. I worry about the fact that I may not live to see myself have kids. be in love. be happy. any of that. so here we are.
- TG3
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