i’m not okay.

 for what it’s worth, i think i’m finally coming to terms with the fact that i’m not okay. i’ve said it time and time again over and over.. repeatedly. but in the middle of a pandemic, currently in the middle of hurricane weather/season, in the middle of living 30 minutes away from the scene of a murder by police where Treyford Pellerin was murdered while having a cell phone in his hand which was mistaken for a knife... i’m not okay. losing two aunts earlier in the month and switching jobs, to all this going on in the matter of a few weeks... in which is supposed to be one of the better times of the year where the month culminates in me seeing my 27th birthday. im not okay. looking back on the relationships and friendships that have dissipated and gotten lost at sea over time. the mistakes i’ve made and the things that could’ve been better handled. the shortcomings i have and the mindset that i’ve held onto for so long that may or may not contribute to why i think of myself the way that i do. i’m not okay. the people i’ve allowed access to me over time and the people that didn’t deserve that access because they didn’t know what to do with me or claimed that they did and didn’t live up to the expectations they set for themselves. i’m not okay. the failure of this country to uphold the proclamations it’s so proud to echo that it presents as far as freedom... liberty... unity... equality. and none of that exists. and it’s yet to convince me that as a black, nonheterosexual man living here.. it doesn’t exist for me. i’m not okay. 

i’m not sure if i’ve accepted the fact that i don’t know how to love someone. granted.. i do know everyone is different in that aspect. love languages are real. yet the recurring theme for me is how i’m not even sure how to allow someone to love me. i’ve tried to make things work and that never accomplished anything. at least, as far as making something work that has shown you time and time again that it won’t. when you want something/someone so bad that you ignore the signs and the very standards you set for yourself go out of the window because you want THAT person. or the person your mind carved them out to be. and the reality of their character reveals itself when you’ve exhausted yourself to the point that you have literally no other choice but to see them for who they are. i hate it here. i’m not okay.

having more than enough time to sit and stew in your thoughts and mull over the last time that you genuinely felt happy for yourself and felt happiness in your spirit and... not finding anything legit. not being able to recall the last bit of elation you felt. when your soul felt full of life. and you try and try to find things and people to fill that void. yet the void wins. i’m not okay.

- TG3

Ntnglmnts. August 2020.

 

With the scent of your essence still on my lips

And your hips freshly embedded by my handprints

I wonder if there’ll ever be more to this

Than this

We crave more from this life

You crave more than lying up

I crave more than your lies

But here we are

Stagnant

Staying here til the dawn arrives

Or before your husband does

Whatever comes first

I mean.. you always do

But in due time

Something falls in the face of lust

Whether trust or your lingerie

Needless to say

We’re too old to be toxic

But we’re committed to these toxins

That take us to familiar places

Occupying familiar spaces

Your bed or my head

We always leave without a word

We’ve said all we need to say

In sheets where our conversations occur

 

- TG3

+ or -

 this has been one of the weirdest weeks I can remember as of late. losing two aunts (one on each side of the family) can be a humbling thing. or somethin' of the sort. at this point, there's been a lot of change, a lot of emotions (some i haven't completely accepted or come to terms with), and a lot of loss. at least... enough loss for me. more than enough. my birthday is approaching and I still don't know if I want to do anything significant. i have no idea the entire population of who reads these, but sometimes it feels these words are just being spoken into the void. but I just need something to help cope with the way that life is becoming nowadays. coronavirus, quarantine, all these things that we haven't had to deal with to this magnitude before is affecting so many people and deeply. for me personally, I'm not 100% certain how I'm dealing. but I know in certain aspects, it's made some of my habits worse, and it's affected a few of the relationships/friendships that I've had over the past handful of months. at the end of the day, I want to feel loved. i don't think that's too much to ask. wanting to feel... something. wanting to feel, period. if you've ever heard the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, that's how I've felt for the longest time but those feelings have definitely been exacerbated this year. having to adjust to not being able to go out hasn't been hard, but it's just missing the intimacy of being around the people you wanna be around, without having to put people's lives at risk by not taking certain precautions. as I type this, there's so many feelings I'm going through that I don't even know how to process because there's a lot happening all at once. there's so many things that I want that I can't have, and so many things I have to force myself to let go of, but not knowing how to do so. not in a healthy way, I don't. working on my own insecurities is a task in itself. having other people trigger those same insecurities is like playing tug of war and you think you're winning but you realize the other person isn't even trying and then they just yank the shit out of the rope. 2020 has been a clusterfuck of wtf, needless to say. at this point, I'm struggling to figure out where I fit. almost 27 years old, and I have yet to figure out just who I am exactly and what my niche in life is. what my position is. it sucks being stuck; sucks more when you're not, but you have no idea what the next step is.

- TG3

August Rush.

my birth month. it means everything to me. and while my birthday isn't until the very last day, everything seems as if it's becoming more transformative for me as of late. Self-reflection really is a motherfucker. It'll make you see and realize just how much you're doing and how much you're not doing. How good of a person you are, and how bad of a person you've been avoiding acknowledging you are. How much progress you've made and how much further that you have to go. There's so much that comes with looking yourself in the mirror and seeing every aspect of your character from top to bottom: the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. the things you have to work on, the things you have to maintain, and the things that you have to change. at least, the things you have to apply that to in order for you to be the very best you that you possibly can achieve. and it's possible that putting in the work to do so is so foreign to me. I've surrounded myself with so many people that condone my behavior that I have no idea how to make concrete changes. i don't call myself out enough. and when other people do, I take it as an attack depending on the person. which shouldn't be the case and should never be the case whenever it's someone who wholeheartedly has my best interest at heart. toxicity is all I've been accustomed to, and after my most recent situation, it's showing and it's showing in the most GLARING of ways. and I hate it. i hate everything about it. but the beauty in it is that I can recognize the fact that these traits and patterns are indeed toxic. and if I want someone to love me the way that I feel I deserve to be loved in the future, these are the things that have to be amended as soon as possible. there's definitely someone that I want to be able to be emotionally available for, specifically. but after being around so many toxic people for so long, it's like where do you start fixing things. where is it do you go to really find the root of the issue with why you're so conditioned to toxic behaviors and patterns. at the end of the day, therapy is certainly one of the best solutions. and with everything I've been feeling as of late, it's what best for me. i just want to be the best me that I can be.. not only for me, but for the people that I care about in life. the ones that remind me that life is worth living and that i'm not a mistake. because for the longest time, I've felt like the biggest mistake... and I shouldn't have to feel like i'm wasting someone's time when they want to get to know me. in due time... maybe I'll get there. but being a work in progress feels like such a chore.


- TG3