August Rush.

my birth month. it means everything to me. and while my birthday isn't until the very last day, everything seems as if it's becoming more transformative for me as of late. Self-reflection really is a motherfucker. It'll make you see and realize just how much you're doing and how much you're not doing. How good of a person you are, and how bad of a person you've been avoiding acknowledging you are. How much progress you've made and how much further that you have to go. There's so much that comes with looking yourself in the mirror and seeing every aspect of your character from top to bottom: the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. the things you have to work on, the things you have to maintain, and the things that you have to change. at least, the things you have to apply that to in order for you to be the very best you that you possibly can achieve. and it's possible that putting in the work to do so is so foreign to me. I've surrounded myself with so many people that condone my behavior that I have no idea how to make concrete changes. i don't call myself out enough. and when other people do, I take it as an attack depending on the person. which shouldn't be the case and should never be the case whenever it's someone who wholeheartedly has my best interest at heart. toxicity is all I've been accustomed to, and after my most recent situation, it's showing and it's showing in the most GLARING of ways. and I hate it. i hate everything about it. but the beauty in it is that I can recognize the fact that these traits and patterns are indeed toxic. and if I want someone to love me the way that I feel I deserve to be loved in the future, these are the things that have to be amended as soon as possible. there's definitely someone that I want to be able to be emotionally available for, specifically. but after being around so many toxic people for so long, it's like where do you start fixing things. where is it do you go to really find the root of the issue with why you're so conditioned to toxic behaviors and patterns. at the end of the day, therapy is certainly one of the best solutions. and with everything I've been feeling as of late, it's what best for me. i just want to be the best me that I can be.. not only for me, but for the people that I care about in life. the ones that remind me that life is worth living and that i'm not a mistake. because for the longest time, I've felt like the biggest mistake... and I shouldn't have to feel like i'm wasting someone's time when they want to get to know me. in due time... maybe I'll get there. but being a work in progress feels like such a chore.


- TG3