+ or -

 this has been one of the weirdest weeks I can remember as of late. losing two aunts (one on each side of the family) can be a humbling thing. or somethin' of the sort. at this point, there's been a lot of change, a lot of emotions (some i haven't completely accepted or come to terms with), and a lot of loss. at least... enough loss for me. more than enough. my birthday is approaching and I still don't know if I want to do anything significant. i have no idea the entire population of who reads these, but sometimes it feels these words are just being spoken into the void. but I just need something to help cope with the way that life is becoming nowadays. coronavirus, quarantine, all these things that we haven't had to deal with to this magnitude before is affecting so many people and deeply. for me personally, I'm not 100% certain how I'm dealing. but I know in certain aspects, it's made some of my habits worse, and it's affected a few of the relationships/friendships that I've had over the past handful of months. at the end of the day, I want to feel loved. i don't think that's too much to ask. wanting to feel... something. wanting to feel, period. if you've ever heard the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, that's how I've felt for the longest time but those feelings have definitely been exacerbated this year. having to adjust to not being able to go out hasn't been hard, but it's just missing the intimacy of being around the people you wanna be around, without having to put people's lives at risk by not taking certain precautions. as I type this, there's so many feelings I'm going through that I don't even know how to process because there's a lot happening all at once. there's so many things that I want that I can't have, and so many things I have to force myself to let go of, but not knowing how to do so. not in a healthy way, I don't. working on my own insecurities is a task in itself. having other people trigger those same insecurities is like playing tug of war and you think you're winning but you realize the other person isn't even trying and then they just yank the shit out of the rope. 2020 has been a clusterfuck of wtf, needless to say. at this point, I'm struggling to figure out where I fit. almost 27 years old, and I have yet to figure out just who I am exactly and what my niche in life is. what my position is. it sucks being stuck; sucks more when you're not, but you have no idea what the next step is.

- TG3