snowflakes melting.

 COVID. court dates. death in the family. Chadwick. broken bonds. plenty has happened since i last posted something here. i don't even know who reads these posts of mine anymore but life has started to feel less and less like something i want to participate in. and for the past year or two, my will to write my feelings out has started to diminish. realizing the futility of life and the declining health of your loved ones is something that we all have to experience one day.. and i get that. doesn't take away from the feeling of defeat and helplessness. especially when it's not something you can particularly prevent. my birthday this year felt like it was robbed from me due to extenuating circumstances. the need to reach out and talk about my feelings went from knowing it's important to knowing it's important yet slowly giving up on utilizing my voice... because after a while, using your voice so much and so strongly can lead to a hoarse throat. 

i'm happy for anyone who has found love/sustained love throughout this year. truly i am. we all deserve to have someone that loves us and wants to see us at our best and helps to remind us of that as often as needed. the thing is, i don't know if i can make my insecurities and my doubts shut up long enough to have anything of sustenance for myself. in my younger years, i bothered women i wasn't ready for. i won't discredit my shortcomings in that department... but as you get older (and hopefully wiser), you realize that you shouldn't put yourself in a position to waste someone's time whenever you can't keep track of time yourself. what purpose does it serve to promise someone something you can't and won't fulfill. creating scenarios in that person's head about the kind of relationship and life and goals that you will have and make together when you can't even get one foot out of the door. hence why i've avoided relationships for as long as i have. when healing needs to be done, i refuse to put that on the shoulders of someone who is likely already carrying burdens. i pray one day i'll be able to find that inner strength and tranquility to allow things that were, to be just that. because holding grudges ain't it.

COVID in itself has honest to God been one of the most disheartening things i've ever witnessed and had to experience from a secondhand viewpoint. i'm not sure when this ends, but the fact of the matter is that nothing will be what we once knew if this ever subsides or gets under control. there's no more "normal". no more "regular". none of that. having to adapt to how life will be from here on in is a task. one that society as we know it will have to adjust to whether we're ready or not. communication, business, travel, etc.. i've never felt so isolated and alone this handful of months. especially since August. feels as if i've lost my own perception of reality, love, sanity, etc. being an overthinker has definitely not helped trying to deal with this pandemic, either. in places and people were i once thought i could find a safe haven, it's like i'm battling more and more unsure feelings about what it'll feel to be at peace with myself. with one month left in this god forsaken year, it feels like there's an avalanche on the way. and soon.

- TG3

i’m not okay.

 for what it’s worth, i think i’m finally coming to terms with the fact that i’m not okay. i’ve said it time and time again over and over.. repeatedly. but in the middle of a pandemic, currently in the middle of hurricane weather/season, in the middle of living 30 minutes away from the scene of a murder by police where Treyford Pellerin was murdered while having a cell phone in his hand which was mistaken for a knife... i’m not okay. losing two aunts earlier in the month and switching jobs, to all this going on in the matter of a few weeks... in which is supposed to be one of the better times of the year where the month culminates in me seeing my 27th birthday. im not okay. looking back on the relationships and friendships that have dissipated and gotten lost at sea over time. the mistakes i’ve made and the things that could’ve been better handled. the shortcomings i have and the mindset that i’ve held onto for so long that may or may not contribute to why i think of myself the way that i do. i’m not okay. the people i’ve allowed access to me over time and the people that didn’t deserve that access because they didn’t know what to do with me or claimed that they did and didn’t live up to the expectations they set for themselves. i’m not okay. the failure of this country to uphold the proclamations it’s so proud to echo that it presents as far as freedom... liberty... unity... equality. and none of that exists. and it’s yet to convince me that as a black, nonheterosexual man living here.. it doesn’t exist for me. i’m not okay. 

i’m not sure if i’ve accepted the fact that i don’t know how to love someone. granted.. i do know everyone is different in that aspect. love languages are real. yet the recurring theme for me is how i’m not even sure how to allow someone to love me. i’ve tried to make things work and that never accomplished anything. at least, as far as making something work that has shown you time and time again that it won’t. when you want something/someone so bad that you ignore the signs and the very standards you set for yourself go out of the window because you want THAT person. or the person your mind carved them out to be. and the reality of their character reveals itself when you’ve exhausted yourself to the point that you have literally no other choice but to see them for who they are. i hate it here. i’m not okay.

having more than enough time to sit and stew in your thoughts and mull over the last time that you genuinely felt happy for yourself and felt happiness in your spirit and... not finding anything legit. not being able to recall the last bit of elation you felt. when your soul felt full of life. and you try and try to find things and people to fill that void. yet the void wins. i’m not okay.

- TG3

Ntnglmnts. August 2020.

 

With the scent of your essence still on my lips

And your hips freshly embedded by my handprints

I wonder if there’ll ever be more to this

Than this

We crave more from this life

You crave more than lying up

I crave more than your lies

But here we are

Stagnant

Staying here til the dawn arrives

Or before your husband does

Whatever comes first

I mean.. you always do

But in due time

Something falls in the face of lust

Whether trust or your lingerie

Needless to say

We’re too old to be toxic

But we’re committed to these toxins

That take us to familiar places

Occupying familiar spaces

Your bed or my head

We always leave without a word

We’ve said all we need to say

In sheets where our conversations occur

 

- TG3

+ or -

 this has been one of the weirdest weeks I can remember as of late. losing two aunts (one on each side of the family) can be a humbling thing. or somethin' of the sort. at this point, there's been a lot of change, a lot of emotions (some i haven't completely accepted or come to terms with), and a lot of loss. at least... enough loss for me. more than enough. my birthday is approaching and I still don't know if I want to do anything significant. i have no idea the entire population of who reads these, but sometimes it feels these words are just being spoken into the void. but I just need something to help cope with the way that life is becoming nowadays. coronavirus, quarantine, all these things that we haven't had to deal with to this magnitude before is affecting so many people and deeply. for me personally, I'm not 100% certain how I'm dealing. but I know in certain aspects, it's made some of my habits worse, and it's affected a few of the relationships/friendships that I've had over the past handful of months. at the end of the day, I want to feel loved. i don't think that's too much to ask. wanting to feel... something. wanting to feel, period. if you've ever heard the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, that's how I've felt for the longest time but those feelings have definitely been exacerbated this year. having to adjust to not being able to go out hasn't been hard, but it's just missing the intimacy of being around the people you wanna be around, without having to put people's lives at risk by not taking certain precautions. as I type this, there's so many feelings I'm going through that I don't even know how to process because there's a lot happening all at once. there's so many things that I want that I can't have, and so many things I have to force myself to let go of, but not knowing how to do so. not in a healthy way, I don't. working on my own insecurities is a task in itself. having other people trigger those same insecurities is like playing tug of war and you think you're winning but you realize the other person isn't even trying and then they just yank the shit out of the rope. 2020 has been a clusterfuck of wtf, needless to say. at this point, I'm struggling to figure out where I fit. almost 27 years old, and I have yet to figure out just who I am exactly and what my niche in life is. what my position is. it sucks being stuck; sucks more when you're not, but you have no idea what the next step is.

- TG3

August Rush.

my birth month. it means everything to me. and while my birthday isn't until the very last day, everything seems as if it's becoming more transformative for me as of late. Self-reflection really is a motherfucker. It'll make you see and realize just how much you're doing and how much you're not doing. How good of a person you are, and how bad of a person you've been avoiding acknowledging you are. How much progress you've made and how much further that you have to go. There's so much that comes with looking yourself in the mirror and seeing every aspect of your character from top to bottom: the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. the things you have to work on, the things you have to maintain, and the things that you have to change. at least, the things you have to apply that to in order for you to be the very best you that you possibly can achieve. and it's possible that putting in the work to do so is so foreign to me. I've surrounded myself with so many people that condone my behavior that I have no idea how to make concrete changes. i don't call myself out enough. and when other people do, I take it as an attack depending on the person. which shouldn't be the case and should never be the case whenever it's someone who wholeheartedly has my best interest at heart. toxicity is all I've been accustomed to, and after my most recent situation, it's showing and it's showing in the most GLARING of ways. and I hate it. i hate everything about it. but the beauty in it is that I can recognize the fact that these traits and patterns are indeed toxic. and if I want someone to love me the way that I feel I deserve to be loved in the future, these are the things that have to be amended as soon as possible. there's definitely someone that I want to be able to be emotionally available for, specifically. but after being around so many toxic people for so long, it's like where do you start fixing things. where is it do you go to really find the root of the issue with why you're so conditioned to toxic behaviors and patterns. at the end of the day, therapy is certainly one of the best solutions. and with everything I've been feeling as of late, it's what best for me. i just want to be the best me that I can be.. not only for me, but for the people that I care about in life. the ones that remind me that life is worth living and that i'm not a mistake. because for the longest time, I've felt like the biggest mistake... and I shouldn't have to feel like i'm wasting someone's time when they want to get to know me. in due time... maybe I'll get there. but being a work in progress feels like such a chore.


- TG3

11:48 PM Central time.

at this point, life feels like an entire joke and everyone is in on the joke except for me. not sure what it is, but the entire concept of existing as of late has felt like it's way too much for me. moving on from someone has never been a strong suit for me. at least, not in a timely fashion that I feel is timely. i hate being stuck on someone and then in the end of it all, everything reveals itself to be the very last thing you wanted it to be. but I think the facet of life is exactly that: never assume or feel too comfortable about anything because it can be taken away from you in the same instant you start to feel like it won't be. never put your all into something because the minute you do, it's snatched from your grasp. i just know my jealousy will get the best of me. imposter syndrome is truly a motherfucker. there's so much i wanna do and accomplish.. yet i always feel like i'm gonna be more lucky than talented. who knows.. i know i'll always feel like someone won't love me for me. or like there's an ulterior motive to it. there's something behind it. not because they want to.. but they want to have something i possess. nothing material.. but soul-related. intangible. something that i don't let anyone see. if i let them in close enough.. but i digress. honestly, I never felt like I had a good grasp on life. on my future. on things and people that I've surrounded myself with. and in the same breath that someone else uses to convince me that I'm worth good things in this lifetime, the same breath I use to convince myself otherwise. because when you're used to trauma and destruction, that's what you find solace in. that's what you associate yourself with because it's what you know. it's what holds you at night when you can't sleep or when you're wide awake and just are buying time doing nonsensical things until you can finally fall asleep. and right now, I'm the biggest insomniac on earth. needing to be held until I can fall asleep. but the problem is figuring out if I want to sleep. what'll happen while my eyes are closed? will the woman that I have my eyes on veer elsewhere? will my goals and aspirations dry up and wither into nothing like my own viewpoint of my future? at this point, life feels like an entire joke and everyone is in on the joke except me. or rather.. i recognize the joke. i just don't find it funny.



- TG3

Sabbath. June 2020.

a day of unrest
my thoughts can't keep still
my body can't seem to move
static, stagnant
my bed is a magnet
how stuck can one person be
attached to the feelings of yesterday
lost in the sorrows of yesteryear
how do you let go?
how does contentment feel?
I've never known such bliss.
a blade has never known my wrist
not since I was 21
but when voices start to get louder
and my logic hides in the closet
ironic how on a Sunday
my demons come out to play


- TG3

cause there's nowhere else to go.

safe to say that this year has been... a lot. coming to terms with your own mortality on a daily basis is a liberating thing. in about the most morbid way possible. I've lived with depression since I was about 15, or at least that's how long I've come to acknowledge the fact that I have. and being 2 months away from year 27, I'm not sure if I've had such an emotionally stressful year as I have in this 2020. I've been back and forth with my "therapist", and trust me, he deserves those quotation marks. how in the fuck am I, a young black man, gonna be able to relay my struggles with being black to an older white man. it's cause it's impossible, and I refuse to put my trust (and money) into that. i don't think people understand how annoying, disappointing, and disheartening it can be to find a suitable therapist. which is why the guilt I feel from venting to people can feel insurmountable at times. with every piece of fuck shit going on in this world, what person would set aside their own issues to cater to someone else? to listen to me? why?

this entire year has been a dumpster fire, but over the past month or so, I've been in such a horrible place honestly. and a lot of people in my life (or in the proximity of it) have been showing their asses with everything going on: good and bad. however, the biggest setback of my year was the fact that I had my first suicidal ideation/episode in almost a year recently. i worked so hard to get where I was mentally, and then I fucked all that up. my mental is definitely in the basement. nothing around me makes sense: all the relationships I have with anybody feels like it's coming to an end, whether that person is clear about where we stand or not; there's the one girl I honestly never can see my life going on without, and it feels like even that is reaching its end.. as if I went from the apple of her eye to another rotten core; don't think my parents will ever see or accept me as bisexual, no matter how much they say they love me; life feels like it's that one disc for your PS2 that just won't ever play regardless of how much you clean and wipe it. there's already too many scratches on it. I'm also tired of older people assuming that because I'm not saying anything that there's something wrong at that point in time. i wish being silent in the company of others wasn't seen as such a negative thing. but there's so many things that are indeed on my mind that I never can feel I can share directly with plenty people. i worry about all the black LGBT+ people that, even during Pride Month, have faced disrespect, violence, and have been murdered solely based on their identity/sexuality. I worry about the fact that Breonna Taylor won't ever receive justice. I worry about bringing a black child into this world and not knowing how to prepare them for the bullshit they'll have to face, even at a young innocent age. I worry about the fact that I may not live to see myself have kids. be in love. be happy. any of that. so here we are.



- TG3

Agnes. April 2020.

the power that pussy possesses

a firm vice grip on my mindset

so much strength

the law of attraction breaks all laws

if the desire is there

i demean my integrity 

for the recipe

a best kept secret

until i rest in thee

i know no peace

til i acquire a piece

my psyche knows no restraint

stronger than the strongest weed strain

i’ve been high, drunk, dazed beyond belief

yet her pussy power trumps all three

many men in history fell victim

whose to say i won’t fall with them

the longest list of libertarians and leaders

who succumbed to the lust of the labia

If Adam couldn’t resist

perhaps i shouldn’t either

so if Agnes offered me some

maybe it’s law to appease her

- TG3

the (bye)sexual.

July 5, 2019.

Safe to say that that was the day I decided to fully admit to my truth that I've been fighting with for so long. Being a black bisexual man. It still feels weird to even say that because of how long I've been stuck with the heterosexual label and have felt like that's what I had to be in order for me to navigate life without the pressures of constant questions that i didn't want to answer. Honestly, months later, I still have days when I regret doing so. I initially thought that coming out would be a liberating feeling. That it would give my spirit a sense of comfort and relief and sanity. 

It doesn't.

I'm still struggling to find my exact identity. I'm still hindered by the words of my parents about who they want their son to be. I'm still affected by the fetishization, assumptions, and expectations of what it means to be a bisexual man (especially a black one) during this day and age by people i (to a fault) care about, and just people in general. I don't care, opinions do matter at the end of the day to me because this is my entire EXISTENCE we're talking about. This ain't an opinion on a food or a movie or a newly released album: these are takes from people about the very essence of my being... and it fucking hurts to know that i'm not valued because of it. It sucks to know that simply liking more than just the opposite sex makes me expendable; which is precisely how I've felt since last July: expendable. Imagine being me, and attending church, and hearing your pastor said that the antichrist was bisexual. fucking imagine.

All this has really done has put another element of fear into my day to day. The fear of making friends because the minute they find out i'm bi, they treat me different or cut me off completely. The fear of falling for someone because if they find out i'm bi, they'll wanna out my business to people that really don't need that information. The fear of actually becoming somewhat of a public figure because when they find out i'm bi, then whose to say everything that i've built up to that point won't be torn down simply due to that. It's scary.

I never really had a love life before that day, before that moment. People i've liked, been interested in, thought i've loved.. but nothing that details great passion and wonderment and peace and happiness like I want to experience. I still feel like me being the way I am has definitely made people who have been friends with me for years/followed me closely on social media for the longest time look at me different. Simply because of that... and it hurts. 

I don't want to be known as just a figment of your threesome fantasy. I don't want to be relegated to some joke that I'll get STDs and whatnot because i may potentially sleep with men. I don't want to be the odd person out of being loved by someone because someone doesn't agree with my lifestyle choices. I don't want to have to listen to persistent teachings about my sexuality being equated to "going to hell" and how I'm "making the wrong decisions".

But here I am. Being and feeling all of that. 

And I've never felt so stuck in my life.


- TG3