the (bye)sexual.

July 5, 2019.

Safe to say that that was the day I decided to fully admit to my truth that I've been fighting with for so long. Being a black bisexual man. It still feels weird to even say that because of how long I've been stuck with the heterosexual label and have felt like that's what I had to be in order for me to navigate life without the pressures of constant questions that i didn't want to answer. Honestly, months later, I still have days when I regret doing so. I initially thought that coming out would be a liberating feeling. That it would give my spirit a sense of comfort and relief and sanity. 

It doesn't.

I'm still struggling to find my exact identity. I'm still hindered by the words of my parents about who they want their son to be. I'm still affected by the fetishization, assumptions, and expectations of what it means to be a bisexual man (especially a black one) during this day and age by people i (to a fault) care about, and just people in general. I don't care, opinions do matter at the end of the day to me because this is my entire EXISTENCE we're talking about. This ain't an opinion on a food or a movie or a newly released album: these are takes from people about the very essence of my being... and it fucking hurts to know that i'm not valued because of it. It sucks to know that simply liking more than just the opposite sex makes me expendable; which is precisely how I've felt since last July: expendable. Imagine being me, and attending church, and hearing your pastor said that the antichrist was bisexual. fucking imagine.

All this has really done has put another element of fear into my day to day. The fear of making friends because the minute they find out i'm bi, they treat me different or cut me off completely. The fear of falling for someone because if they find out i'm bi, they'll wanna out my business to people that really don't need that information. The fear of actually becoming somewhat of a public figure because when they find out i'm bi, then whose to say everything that i've built up to that point won't be torn down simply due to that. It's scary.

I never really had a love life before that day, before that moment. People i've liked, been interested in, thought i've loved.. but nothing that details great passion and wonderment and peace and happiness like I want to experience. I still feel like me being the way I am has definitely made people who have been friends with me for years/followed me closely on social media for the longest time look at me different. Simply because of that... and it hurts. 

I don't want to be known as just a figment of your threesome fantasy. I don't want to be relegated to some joke that I'll get STDs and whatnot because i may potentially sleep with men. I don't want to be the odd person out of being loved by someone because someone doesn't agree with my lifestyle choices. I don't want to have to listen to persistent teachings about my sexuality being equated to "going to hell" and how I'm "making the wrong decisions".

But here I am. Being and feeling all of that. 

And I've never felt so stuck in my life.


- TG3