When The Creative Becomes Uncreative. November 2019.

the vibrancy of spring leaves

and summer radiance

fades into longer nights 

when your vision fails you more

what you can’t see

sees right through you

how sweet it felt

how rich it tasted 

to smile with no remorse

where it didn’t feel forced

like a facade you just put on

for the sake of empty bodies

for meaningless company

which dissolved into bitterness

nothing digests the same

your stomach is never sated

especially when the words you ate

come back up, time and time again

your body is hollow now

nothing sits for long

the patience you learned

is sapped from your habits

you’re as irritable

as the rashes your skin forms

from stress

from guilt

from burdens you bear

that you took on that you shouldn’t have

everything changes

you change

but you refuse to acknowledge it

so while you’re trying to catch up

to the fact the world spins

regardless of your readiness

you’re left with decisions to make

what’s it worth

to give up something(s)

or someone

that you were so certain 

was it for you

when all those things and people

have left you to suffer

meanwhile they move on

prospering

flourishing

progressing

staying stagnant was never something

you wanted to be associated with

but after a while

what avenues do you take 

to learn how to unglue yourself

from the perils of your own hell.

- TG3

leaves changing.

sitting in the dark and recollecting all the things that have become the makeup of my life to this point. feels like this is the only time i feel safe. the only times that i feel anything in general. at least.. anything that i don't immediately regret. at what point does life come to being something that i look forward to again. like field trips in elementary school. or recess. but instead, i'm stuck in the recesses of my brain about this situation, that situation; this person, that person. my mom occasionally asks if i think my therapist is right for me, and i tell her yes every time. as of lately, those "yes" replies are spoken with less and less conviction. i look at my forearms with the self-inflicted blade scars on them and think about covering them up with a tattoo or something. but what would that do for me in the long run honestly. i'll still know they're there. anytime i feel like my flaws are being highlighted in any way, shape or form, i find myself googling whether or not i'm suffering from something other than what I was officially diagnosed with last year (bipolar depression/suicidal tendencies). i've contemplated the idea of being narcissistic, a nymphomaniac, having multiple personalities, having a dissociative personality, and some others that I don't even feel like naming at the moment. i think, to a point, i'm still not fully accepting of myself since coming out. there's a lot to unpack with me, as i know it is with just about anybody.. but i feel like it's a level of difference with me. not to sound selfish, but i'm just not sure where the fine lines of balance fall. in this life, i've been told to help others but also help myself. at what point do you draw the line between trying to help someone and doing for yourself? where and when do these nuances slap you in the face and make you see where the balance of it all is? why do i feel like i'm asking questions that nobody really even knows the answers to? again, there's a lot to unpack with me. and i just feel like i'm at a point where i haven't even opened the suitcase. maybe it's because mercury is in retrograde, i'm not sure how to dissect these things. 

my dad, every once in a while, will ask me where i want to be in 5 years. the last time he did, i told him i want to be alive. he didn't really have an answer for it, he just deflected into something else. not to mention he stresses the fact that he wants to see grandkids before he dies. and those sentiments hit harder nowadays bc i found out earlier this year he has cancer. albeit, it's prostate cancer, but cancer nonetheless (since people love to say that it's highly treatable). I still see cancer as cancer, so to my point, it's disheartening that i feel rushed to make something happen now. which may explain how my lack of a love life after all these years of... whatever the fuck i've been doing has been going the way that it has. excluding maybe one or two people, i cannot blame any person that has come into my life for much. i've always felt like because of certain things that happened, i wasn't enough, nor would i be. but if that person didn't cause it, then that's nothing that they should have to shoulder. which is true. i feel i keep referencing a lot of unpacking that has to be done, but it's just as relevant in this part as it was the first time. this is actually really difficult for me to type at the moment, lol. I don't know. I wanna make things better. I wanna make the people in my life better. I wanna make my circumstances better. I wanna make myself better. But perhaps me wanting to do so much is what causes me to do... nothing. 

- TG3

XXVI.

I'd love to call this the 26th chapter of my life but in all honesty, it feels like there are some past years that i never got to finish. This is a book that's going to be finalized with incomplete pages, chapters, phases, etc. I'm not sure if there's been as tumultuous and as mentally harboring a year that I've had in recent memory like this one has been. Battling inner addictions, bad habits, jail time, probation, my relationships with women/family/friends, being more open about my sexuality, therapy, quitting my job, relapsing, etc. There's a lot for me to say here. Not many people know about this either, but I think there's a number of things I'm still reeling from that happened years ago. Namely, one incident where this girl I thought I could trust that I'd known for years lying about being pregnant by me. A charade that went on for more than two months before clearer heads helped expose and resolve the whole situation. Trust issues from things like that really do fuck you up and change your perspective on life, love, reality, and plenty other aspects of your livelihood. 

However..

Here I am. This is something different. Mending my relationships with my parents (even if they don't fully understand the man that I'm becoming), learning how to love myself along with all the things that I would constantly beat myself up over, showing more love to the people that matter and not trying to make things work with people that don't show reasons to have my love. There's a lot of me that I managed to lose while looking for what it is exactly I'm trying to get out of life. Lost my passion for writing, the optimistic perspective of life that I once had, lost my interest in wanting to live, etc.. Plenty of loss to go into. But that's not what this is about. This isn't to highlight my lows and dwell in them. This is to celebrate life. The fact that i'm still here. I'm breathing, progressing, and maintaining. 26 will be a year of emphasis on those three things. If you managed to read all this, i love you. 

Keep Me in Mind. (March 2019)

Tracey Chapman needed one reason to turn around.

I need one reason to stick around.

I need a million.

A million reasons.

You think i'm asking for too much.

I don't care what you think.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I need your opinion.

This life is full of maybe's.

My mind is stuck on ladies

My spirit is riddled with hatred

Hatred for who?

The reflection I've come to know

I've come to memorize every detail of

Down to the most minute aspect

Down to the last speck of hair

Every feature matters

Every fear matters

I used to fear for my life

Now I fear for my surroundings

How will they adjust when I'm gone

Will they adjust

Do they need adjusting?

The days are passing me by

I feel love is passing me by
Passersby look on
Look crazy
I was crazy for a woman
But which one?
Look at me
Talking to myself again
But it's my life
Talk Talk told me so
One of these ol' days
I'll live it as such
One day.

- TG3

When The Kid Grows Up.

I've come to terms with the fact that my hypersexual nature truly stems from childhood/teenage trauma. If you follow me on any social media platform (namely Twitter), you'd find that my tweets can tend to be very sexual in nature at times. As I've literally sat/laid myself down and thought about the relationships that I've formed over the years since those experiences, and how they have turned out (or still may be currently), I've found that sex has been my gateway to feeling. To feeling something that could make me forget how shitty life actually is. To help me forget how painful things going on with and around me are affecting me. A coping mechanism that never needed tweaking, and that I found wasn't difficult at all for me to obtain. Something that I learned how to do and learned how to do well (slight gloat). However, the confusion of it all comes with good feelings and bad of coming down from that climax afterward. If I ever do... which is another story within itself.

After some years, i began to not even care if I did climax or not. I never viewed sex as something that I did TO someone. It went from both of us getting ours to me viewing it as solely about them. If they came and I didn't, then that became good enough for me. The more that I thought into it, the more I could see how that parallels into how I view the way I've carried myself in life. Pleasing others while forgetting about the pleasure I should, or deserve, to feel myself. It's complex, but it's also quite simple to decipher when it's put in front of your face.

Sex should be something that everyone should be able to enjoy. Something that shouldn't be forced upon anybody, and something that someone shouldn't be pressured into doing when they aren't ready. But we live in a world where the thirst for control and selfish desires overtake those qualities, and numerous times, it leads to people like me being thrown for a loop and into the lion's den of confusion, anger, sadness, possibly mental illness... because of other people's need to feel something that their victim isn't familiar with or isn't ready to handle. This is just me airing out some grievances and thoughts. Knowing that there are plenty others out there who are still struggling to realize how damaged they really are. It's not easy, and we all don't walk the same path to healing and forgiveness at the same pace. I just know for now, at least for me, that path is a long trek into no man's land.

- TG3

IDK.

I don't know how to write anymore.
Nothing flows.
Nothing goes.
Nothing feels organic.
My anxiety leaves me frantic.
Depression keeps me static.
The lack of sex makes me manic.
I should just get over it
Get over my ex and the past
Take all my eggs
Out of the basket
Quit imagining my corpse
In an early casket
Death never leaves
God never sleeps
So which one
Will take the task
of ultimately guiding my feet?

I Wanna Die, But...

I feel like this stagnant, vapid point in my life is for a reason. Not knowing the reason is killing me. Slowly.

But I just want to know, if nothing else, if this life means anything. I could care less about how long i'm here, I want to know if what i want to do while i have these breaths in me will mean anything. Will it all make a difference.

I want to die. But my curiosity won't let me.


- TG3

Comic Sans. September 2018.

I’ll never forget the night

You wrote love letters on my skin

The kind I can’t wash off in the shower

No matter what body wash I use

I still get scared to read them

Because I never know what you said

The words you say

Never equate the words you write

I feel them pulse when you come to mind

Yet I can’t see them when I look in the mirror

I can only imagine what your letter says

If you love me, lust me

Or are planning to leave

Your words never felt so sweet

But I never knew your tongue

To be as deceptive as it has been

On my own flesh

- TG3 

our mistakes.

mistakes are really a beautiful thing. and i'm not gonna regret any of the mistakes that i make. or have made. everything is a learning experience in one way or another, and idc who or what attributes to me making my mistakes. it helps give you perspective and point of view on the things that you've been through and it also aids in how you take the knowledge from said experience and apply it to any and everything in the future. I'm not a mistake. You're not a mistake. Nothing in this life is honestly a mistake. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, because sometimes shit happens and it just happens to happen. Whether it's awesome or it's atrocious, it just happens. sometimes that's how the ball rolls. but at the end of the day, mistakes are there for us to make and to use for whatever happens next in life. We'll find a way.



- TG3

The Art of Infatuation. January 2019.

Ask yourself when the last time it was

That you longed for someone

When even one feature of their face

Runs across your mind

And your heart forgets it needs to pump blood

Your nerves tense and tingle

If their voice even utters a breath

Your goosebumps get goosebumps

At the thought of their skin kissing yours

Is this longing?

Is this desire?

Does it even matter, honestly?

Either way you put it

This person does things to your soul

To your psyche

That words can't describe

That psychics can't predict

That God couldn't foresee for your life

Occupying yourself doesn't diminish

The chokehold they have on you

Their hands are nowhere near you

And yet

It unleashes your most carnal senses

To the point of no return

You can't do anything

You can't start anything

You can't finish anything

Until you feel every inch of them

Dancing with you in such a lustful manner

It hurts to think about

But it's so good to think about

In layman's terms

I'm fucked

- TG3

The Open Casket (January 1st, 2019) - January 2019

What you see surrounding me

Plush material

A corpse laden in suede

Eyes closed, chest open

The crowd in attendance in mourning

Dead is the person they once knew

To be sent underground

Never seen again, in the flesh

A tombstone soon donned with flowers

Sentiments to my past life

Tears for the memories

What they won't get back

The old me

There's this new me on the horizon

Same look

Different spirit

Manifesting out of sight

Coming into its own mold

While the ones who don't see

Only can look at the shell

The soul of something new

Someone new

Awaits the world

- TG3