Keep Me in Mind. (March 2019)

Tracey Chapman needed one reason to turn around.

I need one reason to stick around.

I need a million.

A million reasons.

You think i'm asking for too much.

I don't care what you think.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I need your opinion.

This life is full of maybe's.

My mind is stuck on ladies

My spirit is riddled with hatred

Hatred for who?

The reflection I've come to know

I've come to memorize every detail of

Down to the most minute aspect

Down to the last speck of hair

Every feature matters

Every fear matters

I used to fear for my life

Now I fear for my surroundings

How will they adjust when I'm gone

Will they adjust

Do they need adjusting?

The days are passing me by

I feel love is passing me by
Passersby look on
Look crazy
I was crazy for a woman
But which one?
Look at me
Talking to myself again
But it's my life
Talk Talk told me so
One of these ol' days
I'll live it as such
One day.

- TG3

When The Kid Grows Up.

I've come to terms with the fact that my hypersexual nature truly stems from childhood/teenage trauma. If you follow me on any social media platform (namely Twitter), you'd find that my tweets can tend to be very sexual in nature at times. As I've literally sat/laid myself down and thought about the relationships that I've formed over the years since those experiences, and how they have turned out (or still may be currently), I've found that sex has been my gateway to feeling. To feeling something that could make me forget how shitty life actually is. To help me forget how painful things going on with and around me are affecting me. A coping mechanism that never needed tweaking, and that I found wasn't difficult at all for me to obtain. Something that I learned how to do and learned how to do well (slight gloat). However, the confusion of it all comes with good feelings and bad of coming down from that climax afterward. If I ever do... which is another story within itself.

After some years, i began to not even care if I did climax or not. I never viewed sex as something that I did TO someone. It went from both of us getting ours to me viewing it as solely about them. If they came and I didn't, then that became good enough for me. The more that I thought into it, the more I could see how that parallels into how I view the way I've carried myself in life. Pleasing others while forgetting about the pleasure I should, or deserve, to feel myself. It's complex, but it's also quite simple to decipher when it's put in front of your face.

Sex should be something that everyone should be able to enjoy. Something that shouldn't be forced upon anybody, and something that someone shouldn't be pressured into doing when they aren't ready. But we live in a world where the thirst for control and selfish desires overtake those qualities, and numerous times, it leads to people like me being thrown for a loop and into the lion's den of confusion, anger, sadness, possibly mental illness... because of other people's need to feel something that their victim isn't familiar with or isn't ready to handle. This is just me airing out some grievances and thoughts. Knowing that there are plenty others out there who are still struggling to realize how damaged they really are. It's not easy, and we all don't walk the same path to healing and forgiveness at the same pace. I just know for now, at least for me, that path is a long trek into no man's land.

- TG3

IDK.

I don't know how to write anymore.
Nothing flows.
Nothing goes.
Nothing feels organic.
My anxiety leaves me frantic.
Depression keeps me static.
The lack of sex makes me manic.
I should just get over it
Get over my ex and the past
Take all my eggs
Out of the basket
Quit imagining my corpse
In an early casket
Death never leaves
God never sleeps
So which one
Will take the task
of ultimately guiding my feet?