i’m not okay.

 for what it’s worth, i think i’m finally coming to terms with the fact that i’m not okay. i’ve said it time and time again over and over.. repeatedly. but in the middle of a pandemic, currently in the middle of hurricane weather/season, in the middle of living 30 minutes away from the scene of a murder by police where Treyford Pellerin was murdered while having a cell phone in his hand which was mistaken for a knife... i’m not okay. losing two aunts earlier in the month and switching jobs, to all this going on in the matter of a few weeks... in which is supposed to be one of the better times of the year where the month culminates in me seeing my 27th birthday. im not okay. looking back on the relationships and friendships that have dissipated and gotten lost at sea over time. the mistakes i’ve made and the things that could’ve been better handled. the shortcomings i have and the mindset that i’ve held onto for so long that may or may not contribute to why i think of myself the way that i do. i’m not okay. the people i’ve allowed access to me over time and the people that didn’t deserve that access because they didn’t know what to do with me or claimed that they did and didn’t live up to the expectations they set for themselves. i’m not okay. the failure of this country to uphold the proclamations it’s so proud to echo that it presents as far as freedom... liberty... unity... equality. and none of that exists. and it’s yet to convince me that as a black, nonheterosexual man living here.. it doesn’t exist for me. i’m not okay. 

i’m not sure if i’ve accepted the fact that i don’t know how to love someone. granted.. i do know everyone is different in that aspect. love languages are real. yet the recurring theme for me is how i’m not even sure how to allow someone to love me. i’ve tried to make things work and that never accomplished anything. at least, as far as making something work that has shown you time and time again that it won’t. when you want something/someone so bad that you ignore the signs and the very standards you set for yourself go out of the window because you want THAT person. or the person your mind carved them out to be. and the reality of their character reveals itself when you’ve exhausted yourself to the point that you have literally no other choice but to see them for who they are. i hate it here. i’m not okay.

having more than enough time to sit and stew in your thoughts and mull over the last time that you genuinely felt happy for yourself and felt happiness in your spirit and... not finding anything legit. not being able to recall the last bit of elation you felt. when your soul felt full of life. and you try and try to find things and people to fill that void. yet the void wins. i’m not okay.

- TG3