bud dwyer.

 it was a tweet i saw a couple days ago that said "niggas said they battling demons and the demons be bisexuality" or somethin' along those lines. whether it was intended as a joke or not, that thought has been stuck in the furthest left part of my brain because, reasons. there are days i'm fully comfortable in who and what i am, and then there's days when i'd rather have that information about me remain strictly my business. 2018 was the year i came out to my parents. 2019 i came out to the world. and now in 2021... life has had a funny way of reminding me that things have been considerably worse i find it terribly ironic of how my relationships w my parents have started to deteriorate the same time their health really starts to. finding myself has certainly placed a permanent wedge between whatever that would be of the relationships that we already do have. looking back, it's only driven me further away from what they wanted me to be and who they expected me to be. and i know that's a set-up for the "you have to live life for you" rebuttal, which i do know and am aware of. but it's all just life's way to reminding me, like the tweet said, that it's felt like a demon that i've been battling since i ever opened my mouth to tell the world my business. the emotional roller coasters it's put me on since, which has affected a handful of the friendships/relationships i've had (or thought i did), directly and indirectly, is a lot for me to digest all at once. my new therapist and i definitely dove into that subject at length, and with where i am rn, it feels like that's always gonna be something i'm battling with. and honestly, this feels like all i ever blog about nowadays. and in retrospect, that should tell you something about how much something like "coming out" feels like the biggest crap shoot you can make in life. some can do so at young ages, some you don't know they were until they pass on. i always figured that would be something i'd keep to myself until later on in life when i felt at peace enough to say so. and to be honest, the moment in time when i did come out, there was little peace present. every day i feel the need to apologize to everyone who considers themselves to hold a place in my life because they're either concerned for me and i don't have the will or desire to elaborate about the strife i've felt these few years from that. broken clocks are right twice a day; broken records don't last two seconds. and i've reached the point where i've felt as such. it's not a suicide note, by any means. but please don't take it to heart if ever or whenever i don't have much to say. or anything to say. guess i'm just battling the demons.

"this will hurt someone"

- DD3