the community pool.

 ever since i was a kid, i always wanted to have everything mapped out. my future, my career, etc etc.. I wanted it to go to plan all the way thru. of course, as you get older, you realize the fact that life doesn't obey rules or abide by whatever plans you've made for yourself. the problem is, i still feel like that kid in me that wants to plan everything out and hope it goes the way that i have it planned. and ironically enough, i saw a post a while ago that said whenever you're suicidal or whenever you plan on doing something to yourself, you plan up to that point of whenever you made that deadline for yourself. but when life happens and you live past that point or that age when you thought you wouldn't make it, that's when you basically improvise everything. and i feel i've been improvising shit since i graduated college. jobs, relationships, emotions, my inner peace, my sanity.. all of it. everything has been decided and done on a whim and half of a prayer. my impatience grows seemingly every day, and i hate building my hopes up for things even if it's the next day. when you're used to things falling through and not coming to fruition, you give up the hope that anticipation is worth it. i turn 28 next month and if you ask me how excited i am to turn 28, i'll probably just not give an answer. at least, not a full fledged honest one. because truthfully, as Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men: "you can't handle the truth". and i don't think a lot of people can. they may convince themselves of otherwise, but the truth is that the truth hurts. most of the time. and not being able to stomach it is just a part of human nature to a degree. and in my truth: i've been coasting thru life. no solid plan, my ambition feels dead to rights, and i don't see much of a future for myself. i live too much in the moment to worry about that kind of thing honestly. i feel like a lot of life lessons i had to learn on the fly.. and most of em that i feel i should know by now? i don't. i'm scared of the person that i COULD become for the wrong reasons. i'm anxious of the person that i COULD become for the right reasons simultaneously. if things end w somebody, i blame myself and go on about life because the world doesn't revolve around me and it'll continue to revolve whenever i'm dead. life doesn't owe anybody anything quite honestly, and i think i've reached the point where i feel like i'm diving off the deep end. not in a nosedive yet... but we're gettin' there it seems.

- DD3